A Good Divorce? Oxymoron?

General opinion is that the two simply don’t go together. I say ‘no’. Coming apart because a relationship/marriage hasn’t worked means that two personalities (or, at least, one of them) couldn’t get beyond their different needs, wants, styles, expectations and disappointments.  Initial attractions have likely waned and living in close proximity has become too difficult.  Does that mean dislike and worse need to ensue?  Hopefully not, but if there are no children from the union, each person can go forward separately with no further contact.

When there are children, parents are connected, for life, with each other – decisions, of all kinds  (religious, academic, camps, medical, etc.) need to made.  Experiences such as birthday parties, school and sports events, recitals, communions, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren, bring on a whole new cycle of events and need to be discussed, decided and shared in some manner.  When there is no  flexibility and parents can’t discuss and negotiate solutions, the children suffer.   Parents who do not get along model a kind of negative relationship behavior for their children, demonstrating that coming apart means bad feelings and/or interactions.  Children, of all ages listen to and watch us and learn from our behavior.

There is another way. Parents can demonstrate that although love is gone, respect and civility prevail.  Acknowledging each other and conversing, when you are both present, reminds your children that you are still able to perceive positive aspects of the person with whom you created your offspring.  They are the product of that love and are part of you both.  If one parent diminishes the other, in word or deed, the child feels that he/she is diminished as well.

Show your children that you both can get past your differences to create a better family environment for all. Yes, you are still family, in two homes, even when one or both of you have recoupled. That civility is likely to be absorbed by your children and played out in most of their future relationships.

If you are considering coming apart, mediation and collaborative divorce are available.